Tuesday, December 24, 2013

I'm back!

I'm back and i'm happy now. I still get irritated among all things passing by but thanks to someone i met i get to control myself more. 

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Confessions of a Procrastinator

Juggling 3 jobs, 9 novels-in-waiting (5 of which are untitled), 3 one-act-plays, 4 short film ideas, 2 graphic novels, 7 blogs (this is one of them), 2 business ventures, 3 concepts of coffee table books, working out with 3 fitness centers, the road to ‘lawyerhood’, and now I’ll be adding an MBA stint this coming semester. Yes, I do procrastinate a lot.
Of course, I can blame it all on my Dysthimia—but this time I refuse on doing so. I can’t sleep, at all. Must be the guilt that’s killing me, I let go one important person in my life because of my selfishness. But I hope she’ll take it well, she deserves someone way better than my shitty asshole self. With so many things to do, I just can’t fit having a relationship in my schedule anymore. Doing so, is totally unfair on her part. I hope you’ll understand, I know not now, since you’re obviously hurting but someday we’ll see each other on the road and probably laugh all about it.
Add that to one more thing procrastinating led me to, a failed relationship (it’s actually relationships, if we’re going to count this as retroactive).
Anyway, thanks to my jumping thoughts once in every handful of sentences—I’ll now be leading you to a very off the topic discussion. I just got a new tattoo! It was hellishly painful as I placed it somewhere around the appendix area (yeah, that’s the best way to describe it) It was supposedly a Taurus tat, but it ended up looking more like FEU’s emblem. So my next tat would probably be to symbolize my Thomasian side; probably the Aquinas sun, or Athena from AB, or merge them together which will make Apollo furious.
Going back to Procrastinating, I haven’t updated my blog since one of my boss ran across it. It was painfully embarrassing to talk about it through the phone. But now, I’m back. And I’ll probably blog some more, I find it a helpful way into combating this depression thing minus the downers.
Luckily Pareng Google, helped me research the ten tips on how to combat this MaƱana habit:
1. Create a deadline you must meet. I swear this does not work, having a deadline only makes me wanna push an extra effort on the day itself. So, it doesn’t work for me.
2. It's common knowledge, but it works - go on your diet or exercise routine with a friend. I’m not a lone wolf, in fact I’m probably one of the friendliest guys you’ll ever meet. But whenever I want to do things I’d rather do them alone, otherwise I’ll just keep on yapping about something or anything.
3. Break the task into smaller pieces and reward yourself when you actually finish a piece. It helps to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This would probably work for Twiggy, my pet dog but not me, if I break a chore into parts, I’d just push it on the molding list.
4. Work somewhere outside of home so the usual distractions aren't there. Or make your work area as distraction-free as possible. It would have helped if distraction is not equated with virtually everything.
5. Get started even if it's a gesture. Often, that's the hump that's hardest to hurdle. Well, this one is true. In fact, once I get past the bump, I go on like crazy unless otherwise the jumping thought.
6. Actually look at your to-do list. Take off anything non-essential, and set a time to start on one thing. The size of the list may scare you away. To-do-list don’t work for me. They often end up in the trash bin along my ideas.
7. Talk to yourself, although not out loud if you're somewhere public. Repeat to yourself: "I have set a priority." If you feel pulled to do errands or check e-mail, you have set a priority. I’m afraid if I talk myself into it, I’d reply and give counter arguments not to go through with it.
8. Organize the bills/papers/supplies you need to do your task. You're less likely to wander away if you have everything together. Nice advice. Awesome, in fact, the reason I often snooze things out is when I give myself a reason to stand up.
9. Set a time when you must sit down, and don't allow yourself to do anything else for at least a half hour. You might start out of boredom. Putting myself into isolation is a bad idea, according to my doctor.
10. Figure out a time to do what you need to do and stick to it. As crazy as it sounds, I lift weights before I go to bed. It's the only consistent time I can manage. I’ll try but, I can’t promise.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

The love-hate relationship with Alcohol, Drugs, and Depression

The first time I tasted beer was when I was nine years old, I secretly took a sip from my dad’s liquor storage and told myself that I’ll never drink for the rest of my life. My conviction that beer and drugs are evil was instilled based on experience; I would despise these two whenever I see my mom suffering from dad’s abuse. I still blame them for my unhappy childhood.

It was during my high school senior year when I was introduced to beer, promising to be better it suffixed “light” in its name. Claiming to be “light”-years away from the one I promised never to drink again, I greeted it into my life with open arms. It was never a drinking problem; sure I went out during my college days: every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I would go bar hopping with my friends, drinking popping e. I knew it was not the right choice and I wasn’t proud of it.

Alcohol would always find a way to get me whenever I wasn’t in my hometown, because whenever I’m in Pampanga, I lay off the alcohol. There were times, I went drinking with office mates, relatives, strangers, friends; just name it and I’m always ready to chug down a case or two.

I even had friends who introduced pot to me, I did it even if I don’t smoke. What I don’t understand is why they enjoy it. For me, it doesn’t give any effect thus I feel immune from its addictive power. If it does have any effect, it’s just that it makes me drink more.

Recently, my doctor said I should stay away from alcohol. It doesn’t help, at all, which I totally agree to. What I didn’t know is that alcoholism is not an effect of depression, but (major) depression (episodes) are caused by alcohol.

While it’s true that it takes your mind off the problem for a while, and it helps you go to sleep, the consequence is the idle time you get from the hangover. Alcohol temporarily blunts the effects of stress hormones. It typically leaves you feeling worse than ever because it depresses the brain and nervous system. When alcohol wears off, you will be more depressed than ever.

If you feel like you’re having a problem with alcohol as much as I do. I suggest you check this site

There are also alcohol movies that are recommended for those who need help and awakening:

BARFLY – Mickey Rourke/Faye Dunaway

 A WOMAN UNDER THE INFLUENCE – Peter Falk/Gena Rowlands

FACTOTUM – Matt Dillon/Lily Taylor

But all in all, what you’ll need is a steady hand to hold on to. Talk to your friends, family, sometimes even strangers can do. Just let it all out.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Smile though your heart is breaking

Smile though your heart is breaking; Smile even though it’s breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by.

When I was younger, I was part of UST’s theater guild, Teatro Tomasino. I was also part of GMA Artist Center’s pioneer acting workshop, but everyone knows I was the worst actor you could ever imagine. Time do fly by so fast, now, I see myself as a high caliber actor portraying a happy go lucky, jolly good fellow—far from who I really am.

Depression was my only constant companion for the past years. As a teenager, I started to embrace, even welcome it. It was the only thing that was mine, the only thing I could control, or so I thought. It became so much a part of me that it consumed my life and took control of me instead.

As I grew older, I created ways to hide my depression, I don’t think anyone knew the pain I held inside. I became a great actor. I could smile, even laugh, on cue. In my bed I would fall apart and sink deeper into depression. I would take part-time jobs alongside my fully loaded regular job, gain friends, get myself so busy. Besides all of that, I tried to hold relationships and keep my depression under wraps. Somehow, I pulled it off.

To this day the depressions persist, and grow worse by the day. I get flashbacks every night, thoughts come pouring into my head like a broken faucet. A few days ago, a doctor prescribed me Prozac and Pamelor for my depression. I also take Sleepasil to sleep at night. My doctor suggested that I write as an outlet for all my thoughts. This is what I’m doing right now. Blogging, not to make money, not to cyber bully anyone, but just to let it all out. Let my thoughts flow over the cyberspace. From this day on, I’ll make it a daily habit to upload my thoughts, no matter how crazy, profane, or even vulgar they are. So if you don’t have a tough soul within you, I suggest you stop reading this blog. And instead, see me on the outside, with a gleaming smile. But if you really want to know me, then please stay for a while… help me, help myself.

Monday, July 18, 2011

chicken green curry for the soul

I don't cook. My mom cooks, my dad cooks, my grandma, and my three brothers, heck even my li’l cousins cook: everyone in the family cooks. I, on the other hand, don’t. I only fry or reheat, never cooks…

‘Till today.

Yesterday, I decided to cook real food. A challenge and a way to focus my passion into something, it was a toss between Gaeng Kiaw Wan and Adobo. So after downloading, the recipe I went to the mall with a friend, Jay Jay. Who just like me, recently suffered from a gruesome heartbreak.

The best aroma ever
Chicken Green Curry is an array of mixed herbs and spices, the only curry I know that isn’t red or yellow. The green curry itself comes from lemongrass, green chilies, shallot, garlic, galangal, ginger, fresh coriander/cilantro leaves & stems, fresh basil, cumin, white pepper, fish sauce, shrimp paste, lime juice, brown sugar, and coconut milk. That of course, is for the curry paste alone. The brew of the paste smells like heaven, but the taste would make you scream as if you’re in hell. I only eat spicy food, this is what I blame for my hyperactivity and libido. I would easily compare the curry’s characteristics to that of a lovelife; it smells great but once you put it inside you, you’ll get burn.

Spice with a kick
So what makes it spicy? Curry and green chillies. I’m probably a masochist. I can’t eat unspicy food. I adore the heat it generates on my emptiness, the stinging pain in my taste buds, just as I continue enjoying love from a person who’ll never holler back. Spice = unrequited love.

I’ve always liked the color green, when I was in high school, I even saw myself wearing FEU’s green pants, just because it’s my favorite color. Green, of course, is favored by well-balanced people. Green symbolizes the master healer and the life force. It often symbolizes money. It was believed green was healing for the eyes. Egyptians even wore green eyeliner. Green eyeshades are still used which claims to have soothing effect. Eating raw green foods is scientifically proven to cause longer life. Maybe, it’s the same reason why I always liked green, it feeds my longing for this balanced lifestyle I could never attain.

Cooking and depression
Cooking does help a person focus, with the crazy time limit and precise measurements: you need to be focused. But after you eat what you cooked, what’s left is nothing. You’re tummy maybe full but you’re soul isn’t quite fed as you’ll expect. For what it’s worth, having the Green Chicken Curry as my first cooking experience is great: it’s enough to feed and fill up a dozen hungry drunkards, but still fails to feed a person’s soul.

How it all started

I’m a twenty-something retired writer/photographer, law school dropout, college and university instructor in Manila. A few days ago, I was diagnosed with Dysthimia, or chronic depression.

It took me a while, before I processed everything and gave in to the results, in fact, for more than a week I tried to avoid it, veering away from the cause of this condition just so I could convince myself that I’m not in any way depressed. But now, I started this blog to document how I’m coping with my problem and would eventually get over it.

Experts are not sure what causes dysthymia. This form of chronic depression is thought to be related to brain changes that involve neurotransmitter that aids your brain in coping with emotions. Major life stressors, chronic illness, medications, and relationship or work problems may also increase the chances of dysthymia.

Mine? All of it. Whenever I meet people, they would always derive in a conclusion that life has something good for me, slash that it has something great for me: that my future is brighter than the sun, well, this is my future—and it’s as of the moment, stuck in a protracted solar eclipse.

The following are series of chronic depression symptoms, I’ll let you guys in my life on why I feel the way I’m feeling right now:

Persistent sad or empty feeling
I love talking, that’s why I’m an effective writer and teacher. I always have something to say, even to strangers. Whenever I’m alone, that sadness would brew up from the inside. The years, I’ve lost when I ran away from home, from my responsibility forms a black hole on my stomach. It’s difficult to describe but one thing is for sure, I can feel the emptiness inside me growing, expanding into a whole new universe.

Difficulty sleeping (sleeping too much or too little)
I have the worst sleeping pattern: If I sleep at the right time, I usually wake up late in the afternoon—more like closer to night time. And that’s the good part, oftentimes I don’t sleep, at all. Unless, I do something stupid—frisky stupid things.

Insomnia (early morning awakening)
My usual sleep arrives at five in the morning and I need to be in school by eight in the morning. Do the math. With all the rambling thoughts in my head, sleep is but a dream.

Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness
Helplessness: when I was young-“er”, I usually dream on helping those who can’t afford justice. I wanted change, more than just changes I wanted a better world. Who am I kidding bringing this attitude to my adulthood taking up law and helping orphanages? I can’t help them, I can’t even help myself.
Hopelessness: As long as you love, you will still have hope. The time you say you're hopeless is the time you've accepted defeat and had abandoned loving. I abandoned the myth of “love” a long time ago. Like fairy tales, santa clause, and religion—it doesn’t exist.
Worthlessness: my annual net worth 3-5 years ago is in between 7-8 digits, now I range around 12,000 a month. Let’s leave the financial aspect out of it. What is my worth? If I die now, will someone even take notice? Would I be worth much to anyone? Would I at least be worthwhile for even just one person?

Feelings of guilt
It’s my fault, my grandma died because I gave her too much heartache. She trusted me, she loved me, and I repaid it with plunder. With lust for cash. I know she had already forgiven me, its just so her to be so kind, but I’ll never forgive myself.

Loss of interest or the ability to enjoy oneself
My hobbies? Playing wii, it hasn’t been touched since NBA 2K11 came out; skateboarding, golf, scuba diving, surfing, I can’t find time to do this at all; reading, I can’t find a book worthy of wasting time anymore; photography, I lost the passion for that angle I could call “mine”; sex, I still have the drive, I just can’t do it over and over again with just one person.

Loss of energy or fatigue
I used to be very active, I run on every marathon, urbanathlon, and triathlon I could hear. I go to gym daily, it’s a routine I can’t live without. Recently, I paid for a year-long membership at a nearby gym, for the past two months, I’ve been there thrice. I wanted something to happen, in fact, every day I bring sneakers and extra shirts and shorts in my bag, but I always end up straight home feeling tired.

Difficulty concentrating, thinking or making decisions
I hate pickle minded people, now, I’m one of them. I used to stand ground on every decision I make. Now each decision is as good as the last idea.

Changes in appetite (overeating or loss of appetite)
I used to have a 28-inch waistline, now I’m 34. I can’t stop overeating. But whenever I son’t want to eat, days come that I don’t eat, at all.

Observable mental and physical sluggishness
I’m what Filipinos may call, “Juan Tamad” laggard bastard.

Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
After all the checkups, over the counter drugs, prescripted drugs, quack doctors, pervs, and all the craps around, health problems don’t go away. That’s when my doctor asked me to go to someone else, because it’s all just in my mind.

Thoughts of death or suicide
When my psychiatrist asked me with this one, I said, “no!” and laughed for half a minute or so, after that it came to me, I’m scared of dying but it already came to my mind for a few times. I remember searching painless suicide over the Internet, I remember buying charcoal when I was all alone, I remember laying out a plan for my own funeral, I remember making an apology slash suicide note for my family. My mom a decade ago told my brother, “not to be hard” on me—that I am suicidal. I laughed it out, now that I’m thinking about it, I realized one thing Mother’s do know their children very well.

check this link to take an online chronic depression test. It's easier to cope once you accept you have it.