I’m a twenty-something retired writer/photographer, law school dropout, college and university instructor in Manila. A few days ago, I was diagnosed with Dysthimia, or chronic depression.
It took me a while, before I processed everything and gave in to the results, in fact, for more than a week I tried to avoid it, veering away from the cause of this condition just so I could convince myself that I’m not in any way depressed. But now, I started this blog to document how I’m coping with my problem and would eventually get over it.
Experts are not sure what causes dysthymia. This form of chronic depression is thought to be related to brain changes that involve neurotransmitter that aids your brain in coping with emotions. Major life stressors, chronic illness, medications, and relationship or work problems may also increase the chances of dysthymia.
Mine? All of it. Whenever I meet people, they would always derive in a conclusion that life has something good for me, slash that it has something great for me: that my future is brighter than the sun, well, this is my future—and it’s as of the moment, stuck in a protracted solar eclipse.
The following are series of chronic depression symptoms, I’ll let you guys in my life on why I feel the way I’m feeling right now:
Persistent sad or empty feeling
I love talking, that’s why I’m an effective writer and teacher. I always have something to say, even to strangers. Whenever I’m alone, that sadness would brew up from the inside. The years, I’ve lost when I ran away from home, from my responsibility forms a black hole on my stomach. It’s difficult to describe but one thing is for sure, I can feel the emptiness inside me growing, expanding into a whole new universe.
Difficulty sleeping (sleeping too much or too little)
I have the worst sleeping pattern: If I sleep at the right time, I usually wake up late in the afternoon—more like closer to night time. And that’s the good part, oftentimes I don’t sleep, at all. Unless, I do something stupid—frisky stupid things.
Insomnia (early morning awakening)
My usual sleep arrives at five in the morning and I need to be in school by eight in the morning. Do the math. With all the rambling thoughts in my head, sleep is but a dream.
Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness
Helplessness: when I was young-“er”, I usually dream on helping those who can’t afford justice. I wanted change, more than just changes I wanted a better world. Who am I kidding bringing this attitude to my adulthood taking up law and helping orphanages? I can’t help them, I can’t even help myself.
Hopelessness: As long as you love, you will still have hope. The time you say you're hopeless is the time you've accepted defeat and had abandoned loving. I abandoned the myth of “love” a long time ago. Like fairy tales, santa clause, and religion—it doesn’t exist.
Worthlessness: my annual net worth 3-5 years ago is in between 7-8 digits, now I range around 12,000 a month. Let’s leave the financial aspect out of it. What is my worth? If I die now, will someone even take notice? Would I be worth much to anyone? Would I at least be worthwhile for even just one person?
Feelings of guilt
It’s my fault, my grandma died because I gave her too much heartache. She trusted me, she loved me, and I repaid it with plunder. With lust for cash. I know she had already forgiven me, its just so her to be so kind, but I’ll never forgive myself.
Loss of interest or the ability to enjoy oneself
My hobbies? Playing wii, it hasn’t been touched since NBA 2K11 came out; skateboarding, golf, scuba diving, surfing, I can’t find time to do this at all; reading, I can’t find a book worthy of wasting time anymore; photography, I lost the passion for that angle I could call “mine”; sex, I still have the drive, I just can’t do it over and over again with just one person.
Loss of energy or fatigue
I used to be very active, I run on every marathon, urbanathlon, and triathlon I could hear. I go to gym daily, it’s a routine I can’t live without. Recently, I paid for a year-long membership at a nearby gym, for the past two months, I’ve been there thrice. I wanted something to happen, in fact, every day I bring sneakers and extra shirts and shorts in my bag, but I always end up straight home feeling tired.
Difficulty concentrating, thinking or making decisions
I hate pickle minded people, now, I’m one of them. I used to stand ground on every decision I make. Now each decision is as good as the last idea.
Changes in appetite (overeating or loss of appetite)
I used to have a 28-inch waistline, now I’m 34. I can’t stop overeating. But whenever I son’t want to eat, days come that I don’t eat, at all.
Observable mental and physical sluggishness
I’m what Filipinos may call, “Juan Tamad” laggard bastard.
Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
After all the checkups, over the counter drugs, prescripted drugs, quack doctors, pervs, and all the craps around, health problems don’t go away. That’s when my doctor asked me to go to someone else, because it’s all just in my mind.
Thoughts of death or suicide
When my psychiatrist asked me with this one, I said, “no!” and laughed for half a minute or so, after that it came to me, I’m scared of dying but it already came to my mind for a few times. I remember searching painless suicide over the Internet, I remember buying charcoal when I was all alone, I remember laying out a plan for my own funeral, I remember making an apology slash suicide note for my family. My mom a decade ago told my brother, “not to be hard” on me—that I am suicidal. I laughed it out, now that I’m thinking about it, I realized one thing Mother’s do know their children very well.
check this link to take an online chronic depression test. It's easier to cope once you accept you have it.
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