Smile though your heart is breaking

Smile though your heart is breaking; Smile even though it’s breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by.

When I was younger, I was part of UST’s theater guild, Teatro Tomasino. I was also part of GMA Artist Center’s pioneer acting workshop, but everyone knows I was the worst actor you could ever imagine. Time do fly by so fast, now, I see myself as a high caliber actor portraying a happy go lucky, jolly good fellow—far from who I really am.

Depression was my only constant companion for the past years. As a teenager, I started to embrace, even welcome it. It was the only thing that was mine, the only thing I could control, or so I thought. It became so much a part of me that it consumed my life and took control of me instead.

As I grew older, I created ways to hide my depression, I don’t think anyone knew the pain I held inside. I became a great actor. I could smile, even laugh, on cue. In my bed I would fall apart and sink deeper into depression. I would take part-time jobs alongside my fully loaded regular job, gain friends, get myself so busy. Besides all of that, I tried to hold relationships and keep my depression under wraps. Somehow, I pulled it off.

To this day the depressions persist, and grow worse by the day. I get flashbacks every night, thoughts come pouring into my head like a broken faucet. A few days ago, a doctor prescribed me Prozac and Pamelor for my depression. I also take Sleepasil to sleep at night. My doctor suggested that I write as an outlet for all my thoughts. This is what I’m doing right now. Blogging, not to make money, not to cyber bully anyone, but just to let it all out. Let my thoughts flow over the cyberspace. From this day on, I’ll make it a daily habit to upload my thoughts, no matter how crazy, profane, or even vulgar they are. So if you don’t have a tough soul within you, I suggest you stop reading this blog. And instead, see me on the outside, with a gleaming smile. But if you really want to know me, then please stay for a while… help me, help myself.